tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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