I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I touched a dick in church today
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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