Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
