You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
