I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
