Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
last night I used snow as a chaser
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