JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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