I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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