Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
