also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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