if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
