So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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