I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
