my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
