maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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