I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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