Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
