you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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