Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
How's work?
Spinning.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
