My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
