All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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