When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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