1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
