Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
