There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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