it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
