my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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