Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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