There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
