My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
