I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
