the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
