i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
