well I can't set my house on fire every night
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
