There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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