He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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