i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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