Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
