She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
