Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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