Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
