She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
