I need to stop coming to work sober
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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