It's a beautiful day for a hangover
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She even gives head with a lisp.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
