Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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