I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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