woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
