if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
