Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
