There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I lost the right to judge tonight
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
