Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
