dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
